She was my everything...

thedailywhat:

Virtual Shackles.

8 long painful months. 8 months of asking what if. 8 months of constant withdrawal and anxiety. 8 months of depression and self reflection. Yes, it has been a little over 8 months since the day she shattered my heart yet I am still lingering with thoughts of her. Everyday is a rude awakening as to the reality of life and relationships. I can still remember the days where we’d chase each other around the house as if there was not a care in the world. I remember several moments in the 3 year relationship where I would think to myself “I know I’m going to miss her when she goes home” so I’d embrace her for as long as I can. Even if my arms got tired or if we didn’t speak for 30 minutes, it didn’t matter. As long as she was there for me to hold her, I was genuinely happy. What has she left me with now? … Space and emptiness. I know that it’s not healthy to be still thinking about my ex even after a break up but god damn…I am powerless. I am trying so very hard to move on yet it feels like I’m unable to. It feels like destiny wants me to continue on this path of depression and distraught even when I’m trying to choose my own path. I want to feel genuinely happy and loved again. I want that feeling of affection and care. But for some reason, it seems like the timing is off. I never expected break ups to be this bad. Maybe it’s not supposed to be like this. I am just one of the few lucky ones who fell so hard for this one girl that ended up walking away, leaving me to pick myself up. Am I over her? …maybe. Do i still love her? …yes, but not in the same way. Do i still think about her? …haven’t stopped since the day i met her. She’s in my dreams, in my heart, in my head, and engraved in my very soul. I guess that’s why it’s so hard to move on. Sorry for rambling on and on about something so pathetic. I just had to get it out. To all the people who have been through a devastating break up, just know that you’re not alone. Stay strong and continue to find your true love because one day, you will. And to my true love who is out there right now (whoever you may be), I promise to love and care for you no matter what ordeals we will encounter. Just never give up on us because I sure as hell won’t. :)

(via only4today)

So it’s been 6.5 months into what my ex calls a “break” and sadly I am still thinking about her everyday. I know it’s over. I tell myself again and again that the relationship has diminished yet I still can’t escape the fact that my heart still longs for her every single day. I have been going out with friends, playing computer games, exercising, watching tv/movies, drawing, and even found myself a new job…but why do i still think about her non-stop? My brain knows that the relationship is broken beyond repair yet my heart still believes that she is the “one”. I can’t stop picturing the future i envisioned with her which seemed so bright and full of joy. I am no longer a happy person. It feels like a part of me has been ripped right out and all that’s left is a scar of what used to be. That sounds a little emo but it’s true. Even after finishing school, playing games, and acquiring a new job I still don’t feel anywhere close to the feeling of Happiness that was felt when i was around her. She gave my dull life excitement and meaning. I wonder what she is up to now….probably enjoying the life she created for herself after moving on. People ask me all the time, If she can move on….why can’t you? It’s simple. When you’re heart is set for one person only and one person alone, nothing or no one else matters to you. Your main focus is that one person who makes you whole. *sigh* I know I’m digging myself a deeper hole by constantly dwelling in the past, but it cannot be helped. Call me stubborn if you may, but I can’t stop loving her. It’s impossible. I Love Her. I can’t say it enough. Problem is, she no longer loves me. I’ve been watching romance movies which are saturated with the typical love story happy ending. These movies make me wonder if I should have done more. Should i have fought for the relationship more than I already have? I’m just going on a useless rant but I had to get it out. After all, she was my everything…

LOLLLLLLLLLL

(Source: crystalyvang)

mokkity asked: Hi again, guess all the talks with you helps a lot. =) things turned better than expected and i'm glad i've applied those great advice from you instead of keep on numbing myself. So, i've resorted to 4)one last try and visited him. We talked a lot today,get to understand each other better. Really feel so relieved now as well as more focus, and i owe it all to you.m(_ _)m if only i have any offerings for you to make you day better too, my saviour. =D
How's your day going anyway? wish you a better day with all my heart, will be here for support if you need, though i might be bad at offering sound advice, i'm quite good as a listener. cheers!

Awesome! I’m glad you’re feeling better :). Unfortunately, my situation is at a deadlock and the only person who can change that is her. I’m patiently waiting for her to come to me but things don’t look too good at the moment. *sigh* There’s a lot that i can say about this topic but it’s all just rants ahah. So yeah, if you need any advice or just someone to talk to…feel free to message me again. I love listening to people’s love stories as well ^^. Have an awesome day!

mokkity asked: and yes, my assignment's quality dropped since these emotional problems came, my principal frowned upon my artworks and I can only tell him I’ll try my best next time, while he just gives me less guidance compared to last time. Maybe he feels that I’m not professional enough and had neglected my assignment. I feel so hurt because it's been a struggle I can tell nobody last time. If anything bad were to happen, it will be only my fault for making the decision to accept him.
I feel so sad and weak now that need his understanding, but I’m carrying such an emotional burden for a love who doesn't know how to appreciate.
Perhaps it's my turn to listen to you? :)
Hehe, hope life will treat us both better. Wish you well and get back to the track soon! A guy like you should be appreciated! :D

Ah i’ve been through that phase as well. I began to draw after the break which actually made me feel a little better but somehow, I’d have feelings of regret because I get the impression that I was not good enough for her. I feel like I took her for granted which still haunts me to this day. I’ll tell you the phases that I’ve been through.
1. Shock and disbelief. - Hearing the words that I never thought would ever leave her lips…”i think we need to take a break…I’m losing feelings for you.”
2. Paranoia - Is there another guy? Who is he? When did this happen? What did I do wrong? I thought we were going to be together forever…till death do us part. (Even though we’re only 20 years old.)

3. A shoulder to lean on - I began to ask almost everyone I knew about what I should do from here, why this happened, and what their opinions were on my situation. Some fed me cliches while others shed a new light on me which helped me open my eyes to what was happening in front of me.

4. Distractions - I took my friend’s advice and began to find as many distractions/interests that took my mind off of her. I began to hang out more with my friends, I drew pictures for a bit, I played sports, tried focusing on school - never ever works, and just tried to enjoy life. But in the end, everything would always revolve around her. She’s left me with so many wonderful memories that cannot be forgotten even if I tried. I love her so very much.

5. One last try - I tried talking to her, texting, calling, visiting her and such but everytime I would receive an unwelcoming response. She said she was being “Overwhelmed” and “Guilt tripped” so I decided that it would be best if we just had no contact. It’s been 5 months on a break…3 of which were no contact. I never got to take her out on the date which i planned. She didn’t come over for my birthday. Nothing….

6. Acceptance - I realized that instead of being fearful for the high possibility of a break up, I learned to accept it even if it means I’ll break down. It breaks my heart to know that someone will be holding her, kissing her, hugging her, talking to her, and looking at her beautiful face everyday but as long as she’s happy, that’s all that i can ask for. She deserves to be with someone who can make her happy at all costs. I thought that I was that person but I guess feelings change….people change.

I wish the best for you in all your endeavors! I hope that life will treat us better as well :). I know that it’s extremely painful right now but try to find happiness in the little things. If you can feel a little better, then you know that it’s a start. If you want to hear more or want tell me more, feel free. :)

Sometimes I wonder if you are waiting for me to come to you. Should I be the one who fights for us when we are faced with hardship? Or is it just a lost cause. I don’t get it… There are so many mixed messages which force me into the corner of paranoia. Should I just sit here, wait, and move on? Or should I come find you and try my hardest to mend the broken bond. If I did, would you allow me? Is that what you want? Or is it your desire to create as much distance as possible to allow yourself to forget about me. If that is what you want, then I will stop trying and give you what you want. sigh I guess I feel as if I’m supposed to be the hopeless romantic and confess my utmost affection towards you. Here I am, supposed to be taking my friend’s advice and move on after 5 months on this break but I can’t help but dwell on the many paths opened up to me. Shall I act rash and walk, hoping for the best? Or should I wait for something good to cross my path. I just don’t want to look back on the path not taken, several years too late. Tell me what you want, and I’ll give it to you…

Just when i thought things could not get any worse, they do. Not only am I slowly losing someone very very important to me, I can’t seem to focus on anything. Academically, I’m heading for a downwards spiral because I am easily distracted and find myself zoning out when i should be paying attention/studying. This is another reason why I’ve been feeling so depressed lately. I hate school. I hate studying, reading about equations, molecules, reactions, and garbage that is completely useless. I want to enter the workforce already…I just want to start earning money. School takes up too much of my time and is stressing me out way too much. I might just be delusional right now but I’m no where close to happy. I NEED a new job. I am desperate for a change. I hate feeling so incomplete and depressed all the time. Why do I find myself trying so hard to be happy. Why can’t it just come naturally?…well it used to come naturally. I’m just overwhelmed at what destiny has thrown my way. I’m trying so hard to face each challenge as it’s thrown at me…but instead, I stumble and I’m left dazed/confused. I’m slowly starting to give up because things just keep getting worse and worse. I’m at the stage in my life where I see everyone around me moving forward while I find myself taking two steps back. I am not doing well at all…I’m running through a rough patch in life barefooted.

I know that you love eating your peanut butter sandwiches with sugar because your sweet tooth is only rivaled by your beauty.

I know that you LOVE anime in all it’s forms…whether it be yaoi, manga, or doujin and you like to cosplay to live in the fantasy realm that is created by anime. 

I know that you are fluent in English, Japanese, Cantonese, and Mandarin…a quality about you that keeps me in awe.

I know that you can play the guitar and several other musical instruments whose names i forget…mainly chinese instruments.

I know that you are an incredible singer because your voice is heavenly…it soothes every muscle in my body…you are my sunshine~

I know that you are a hard working, outspoken, and devoted woman who truly loves those close to you…even though you try to put up a front to shield your true emotions.

I know that you are an amazing writer who loves reading fiction novels such as the Harry Potter series and other manga based novels.

I know that your artistic abilities are out of this world which highlights your creativity and imagination.

I know that you easily forget simple things such as what I said to you the other day but I know that you have a lot of things on your mind which are far more important.

I know that you may be hard-headed at times but you’re secretly a softy whose heart is bigger than the Pomeranian you want.

I know that you want to travel the world because you’re easily inspired by the vast beauties of nature…you truly are something special.

I know that you hate Hello Kitty because your mom would always spoil you with all these Hello Kitty merchandise.

I know that you’ve experienced a rough childhood…in all it’s ugliness but I’m proud of you for pushing forward to become the amazing human being you are today.

I know that your favorite color is blue and that you hate pink…no matter how cute you may look in it.

I know that you despise math…in all it’s complexities but love English and Japanese for the beauty of language.

I know that you love having your hair stroked gently as you drift off to dreamland.

I know that you like to bake cookies and cupcakes with your friends.

I know that you are easily influenced by people around you…something that I observed after being with you for so long.

I know that you deserve better than the best because you are so unique in all your greatness and the only word to describe you is….Perfection.